One Thing I Would NEVER Do Again As a Parent
Kiva Schuler • September 28, 2020
If you feel like simply getting out the door on time (tie your shoes… where’s your coat… do you have your lunch??) is a battle, the reality is that you are locked in a power struggle with your child.
Someone will “win” and someone will “lose.”
And while this can be hard to recognize in the moment, power struggles are counter productive when it comes to cultivating a loving, healthy relationship with your child.
Power over dynamics are ubiquitous in our culture. However, when we tap into a larger truth we can see that everyone is divinely worthy of their own thoughts, emotions and experiences.
Yep! Even your kids. When we succumb to the candy of a power struggle, we are diminishing our child’s (the one we’d gladly dive in front of a bus for) self-worth, inner authority and ultimately, causing separation in the relationship through an erosion of trust.
While the stakes of this seem small when children are young, this can lead to really negative repercussions when these little cuties turn into big cuties. Teenagers who aren’t in communication with their parents about big challenges make poor decisions.
However, when trust and communication strategies are established early, there is an unshakable foundation that you child knows they can rely upon. They will come to you. Even when things are hard.
This is not a case for permissive parenting.
Clearly, we are charged with teaching our children to behave in acceptable ways, and to embody the values that we hold dear. I’ve learned that this is far more effectively done through conscious communication and emotional demonstration than the old “power over” ways that most of us were parented.
When my kids were little, I was a HUGE fan of the show “Supernanny.” She relied on a punishment and apology frame. Time outs were the relied upon method of bending a 3-year old to your will as a parent. (I personally loved the show because it made me feel like other people were way worse at this parenting thing than I was, and I wasn’t particularly confident in my skills at the time.)
I implemented her methods with gusto.
You will put on your shoes, or else….
You will eat your broccoli, or else…
You will NOT hit your sister, or else…
Time out.
The deal was your kiddo was supposed to sit there for the number of minutes as their age, then apologize. If they didn’t apologize they had to sit there for another round.
I knew that this method wasn’t going to work the day my 3-year old son sat on that step for well over an hour (you do the math). But then… even worse, he wouldn’t look at me for the rest of the afternoon.
I’d damaged our relationship in the name of control, and I vowed I would never do it again.
The key is to learn to be an authoritative parent that sees, understands and respects the individual experience of your child. When you communicate clearly, and are willing to own your own emotional experience, while allowing this little human to own his or hers, you can be in a powerful cooperative relationship.
Power struggles will sometimes (rarely) be necessary. So save them for when they count.
Let’s clear something up—because this misunderstanding keeps so many moms stuck. Peaceful parenting does not mean you let your kids walk all over you. It doesn’t mean you “stay calm” while your child runs the house. And it definitely doesn’t mean you avoid discipline because you don’t want your kids to be upset. Peaceful parenting isn’t weak. It isn’t passive. It isn’t permissive. In fact, peaceful parenting is one of the strongest, most intentional ways to lead your family. But because the word “peaceful” sounds soft, a lot of people assume it means parenting without boundaries, without consequence, and without authority. So if you’ve ever thought: “If I don’t raise my voice, will they take me seriously?” “If I validate their feelings, does that mean I’m giving in?” “If I don’t punish, how will they learn?” “Is peaceful parenting just… permissive parenting with nicer words?” You’re not alone. And you’re not wrong for wondering. But you deserve the truth. Why Peaceful Parenting Gets Misunderstood Many of us grew up with parenting styles that were either: Strict and controlling (“because I said so”), or Hands-off and permissive (“just do whatever makes you happy”) So when moms hear “peaceful parenting,” their brains often place it into the second category. But peaceful parenting isn’t the absence of leadership. It’s actually leadership without fear. It’s guidance without shame. It’s discipline without disconnection. Peaceful Parenting Is NOT Passive Parenting Passive parenting is when a mom checks out. It looks like: avoiding conflict at all costs not addressing disrespect because it feels exhausting letting things slide because “it’s not worth the fight” hoping behavior will improve on its own letting resentment quietly build And I say this with so much compassion, because passive parenting usually isn’t laziness… It’s burnout. Passive parenting often happens when a mom is depleted and overwhelmed, and she simply doesn’t have the capacity to hold boundaries anymore. But peaceful parenting is different. Peaceful parenting is when you stay emotionally regulated while still staying in charge. It sounds like: “I’m not going to argue with you, and the expectation is still the same.” “You can be mad, and I’m still saying no.” “This is hard. And you’re capable.” “I’m calm… but I’m not unclear.” Peaceful parenting is not weakness. It’s strength that doesn’t need to yell. Peaceful Parenting Is NOT Permissive Parenting Permissive parenting is when a parent avoids limits because they’re afraid of: conflict tears disappointment being the “bad guy” damaging the relationship Permissive parenting often looks like: too many warnings, not enough follow-through saying no… then saying yes after pushback negotiating everything overexplaining to the point of losing authority letting the child’s emotions determine the rules in the home And again—this isn’t about judging moms. Because most permissive parenting comes from something very tender: A mom who wants to do it differently than she was raised. A mom who wants her kids to feel safe. A mom who is trying to heal. But here’s the problem: When a child is in charge, they don’t feel safe. They feel anxious. Even if they act confident. Even if they act bossy. Even if they seem in control. Kids don’t need control. They need leadership they can trust. And peaceful parenting offers that. So What Is Peaceful Parenting? Peaceful parenting is: ✅ Warm AND firm ✅ connected AND boundaried ✅ emotionally safe AND leadership-centered It is the combination of two truths: My child’s emotions are valid. My child is not in charge. That’s the whole magic. Not “I validate so I give in.” But: “I can validate your feelings while still holding the boundary.” That’s what creates security. That’s what builds trust. That’s what teaches emotional resilience. A Peaceful Parent Still Has Boundaries This is where moms get confused. They think peaceful parenting means the goal is “never upset my child.” But peaceful parenting isn’t about avoiding discomfort. It’s about avoiding disconnection. Your child can feel upset. They can cry. They can slam the door. They can be disappointed. And you can still be a peaceful parent because you don’t match the chaos. You don’t become chaotic too. Instead, you become the steady one. Peaceful parenting sounds like: “You’re allowed to be mad. You’re not allowed to be mean.” “You can cry. And bedtime is still bedtime.” “It’s okay to feel disappointed. The answer is still no.” “I won’t let you talk to me that way.” “You don’t have to like this limit, but you do have to follow it.” That’s not permissive. That’s powerful. Peaceful Parenting Is Discipline With Connection A lot of moms have been taught: “If you don’t punish, they won’t learn.” But peaceful parenting teaches something even more important: Children learn best when they feel safe. Not indulged. Not controlled. Safe. Peaceful discipline focuses on: teaching modeling repair consistency emotional regulation clear expectations It says: “I will correct you without crushing you.” And that matters. Because shame might stop behavior temporarily… But it doesn’t teach a child what to do instead. Connection teaches. What Peaceful Parenting Looks Like In Real Life Let’s make this super practical. Scenario: Your child is yelling at you Permissive parenting: “It’s okay, honey, you’re just having big feelings.” Passive parenting: pretends not to hear or walks away and ignores it Peaceful parenting: “I will listen when your voice is calm. Try again.” Scenario: Your teen says something rude Permissive parenting: “He’s stressed. He didn’t mean it.” Passive parenting: lets it go but feels hurt for hours Peaceful parenting: “I understand you’re upset. You don’t get to speak to me that way. Let’s try again.” Scenario: Your child refuses to do what you ask Permissive parenting: bargaining, begging, overexplaining Passive parenting: gives up Peaceful parenting: “I hear you don’t want to. And this is still what needs to happen.” That’s leadership. That’s safety. That’s peaceful parenting. The Real Truth? Peaceful Parenting Is Mature Parenting I want to say something gently—but clearly. Peaceful parenting is not “nice parenting.” It is mature parenting. It takes emotional strength. It takes self-awareness. It takes intentionality. It requires that you learn to tolerate your child’s discomfort without panicking and fixing it. It requires that you stay rooted—even when the moment is loud. And that’s why peaceful parenting is so transformational. Because your child isn’t the only one growing. You are too. If You’ve Been Afraid Peaceful Parenting Would Make You “Too Soft”… Let me reassure you. You don’t need to become a pushover to be peaceful. You can be: gentle and firm loving and clear emotionally safe and strong calm and in charge And when you parent that way—consistently—your child doesn’t become spoiled. They become secure. Because they know: “My mom can handle my feelings… and she can lead our family with confidence.” Want Support Learning This in Real Life? If you’re a mom who wants to stop yelling, stop reacting, and stop feeling like you’re either “too harsh” or “too soft”… You’re exactly who I help. Peaceful parenting isn’t about perfection. It’s about becoming steady. And the best part? You don’t have to figure it out alone. If you’re ready to learn how to parent with calm leadership, clear boundaries, and deeper connection—book a 30-minute discovery call. Together we’ll map out what’s keeping you stuck and what it would look like to become the grounded, confident mom you know you are.
If you’ve ever felt like you’re “just getting through the day,” or swinging between shut-down numbness and explosive yelling, I want you to know this: You are not alone. You are not broken. And you are not a bad mom. I know this because I lived it. For a long time, my inner world and my outer world could not have looked more different. From the outside, it looked like we had a beautiful, thriving family — four kids (two adopted, two biological), a full life I had worked incredibly hard for. I had been a teacher. I knew kids. I should have been good at this. I thought I should love every part of parenting. I thought I should know how to handle every emotional outburst. I thought motherhood would feel like fulfillment, not frustration. But inside… I was unraveling. The Invisible Battle: Numbing Out vs. Explosive Rage I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was living in a constant state of overwhelm. And overwhelm has two escape doors: Numbing out… or raging out. Some days, I shut down. I went through the motions. Packing lunches, driving kids around, answering questions, breaking up arguments… but not feeling any of it. I was disconnected — from my kids, from joy, from myself. I remember taking all 4 kids to Disney World (my dream!) and standing there thinking "I know I should be enjoying this" but just feeling numb. Other days… the pressure exploded. The yelling surprised even me. I had always hated when people lost their temper. The sharp tone. The frustration that boiled over. The way I snapped at the kids I love more than anything over every little thing. One moment I was numb. - The next moment I was raging. And my kids? They never knew which version of me they were going to get. It wasn’t consistent. It wasn’t steady. And it wasn’t the mom I wanted to be. The Weight of “I Should Know Better” As a former teacher, the shame hit even deeper. “I should know how to do this.” “I should be more patient.” “I should be grateful.” “I asked for this—why am I so unhappy?” And behind all those thoughts was another one I didn’t want to admit: I am resentful. Resentful of the noise. Resentful of the demands. Resentful of the mental load. Resentful of needing to pour out constantly when I was running on empty. Especially as an adoptive mom, I carried guilt on top of resentment: “I worked so hard for this family… why do I feel this way?” “What is wrong with me?” Nothing was wrong with me. I was overwhelmed. Under-supported. Emotionally depleted. Running a marathon with a cup that was bone-dry. My nervous system was in survival mode — and survival mode does not create calm, connected parenting. The Moment I Realized: It Wasn’t My Kids… It Was My Emotional World One day, after another round of yelling followed by another wave of shame, I felt a truth rise up that I could no longer ignore: My reactions weren’t being caused by my children. They were being activated by something inside me. My emotional world was running the show. My past patterns were driving my present reactions. My triggers, my stories, my stress, my exhaustion — that was what was coming out in my parenting. And if the reaction was coming from within me… then I had the power to change it. That realization didn’t feel heavy. It felt like hope. The Slow, Steady Return to Myself Through deep personal work, nervous-system understanding, coaching tools, attachment science, and values-based parenting, something incredible began to happen: I came back home to myself. I didn’t become a perfect mom — but I became a present one. I learned to regulate. I learned to pause. I learned to repair. I learned to see my children’s behavior through a lens of connection, not conflict. I learned what I needed so I could stop expecting my kids to fill emotional gaps they were never meant to fill. And because I now love my life — truly love it — I can support my kids without needing them to make me feel okay. My relationship with them is deeper, steadier, and more intentional than ever. Not because they changed — but because I did. What I Want Every Mom to Know If you are numbing out… If you’re yelling more than you want to… If you’re inconsistent, overwhelmed, resentful, or ashamed… If you look like you have it all together but feel empty inside… You are not failing. You are overwhelmed. And that can be healed. You can feel calm again. You can reconnect with your kids. You can show up as the mom you want to be. You can love your life — not just push through it. I am living proof. Ready for Your Own Transformation? Join Me for The Steady & Connected Mom A 12-week path to calm, confident, connected motherhood — so you stop reacting from overwhelm and start living with purpose, presence, and joy. Inside our small group coaching program, you’ll learn: ✨ Emotional regulation ✨ How to stop numbing and stop yelling ✨ How to parent from your values instead of your triggers ✨ Tools for connection, communication, and confidence ✨ How to break old patterns and create new ones ✨ How to feel steady inside so your family can feel safe with you If this story felt familiar… If something inside you said, “This is me…” Then I would love to walk alongside you. DM me STEADY or click here to apply. Spots are limited to 10 moms. Your transformation begins the moment you say yes to yourself.
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